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Dating violence is
cyclical. Although it can happen only once, typically, the abuser repeats
his/her actions in a cycle. There are three stages to this cycle that an
abuser follows.
Stage 1: Tension
building
Tension begins to
rise, and the abuser becomes edgy and more prone to react negatively to
frustrations. This tension increases to the point where the abuser
feels s/he has lost control over the victim.
Abuser?s
Response: moody; nitpicky; isolates victim; withdraws affection;
criticizes and puts down victim; yells; drinks or does drugs;
threatens.
Victim?s
Response: attempts to calm abuser; nurtures; silent or talkative
? whatever s/he thinks will keep the abuser calm; stays away from family
and friends; withdraws; tries to reason; generally feels like walking on
eggshells.
Stage 2: Acute
explosion stage
The abuser begins to
lose self-control. The victim becomes more emotionally detached, knowing
that to fight back usually results in increased violence. This is the
shortest stage, during which the abuse or violence occurs. It ends
when the abuser feels that the victim has "learned his/her lesson".
Abuser's
Response: hits, chokes, sexually assaults or commits another type of
sexual violence, verbal and emotional threats and abuse, humiliates, uses
weapons.
Victim's
Response: protects him/herself, police called by victim, children,
neighbor, or roommate, tries to calm abuser, tries to reason, leaves,
fights back.
Stage 3: The
honeymoon/recapturing stage
This stage is often
welcomed by both parties. The victim wants to believe that s/he no longer
has to suffer abuse, and the batterer's loving behavior during this stage
supports the victim's belief that the batterer really can change. This
stage will continue until the batterer's confidence is built back up, and
the cycle will begin again. Research has shown that as time passes,
the honeymoon portion of the cycle grows shorter and shorter and sometimes
disappears altogether.
Abuser's
Response: begs forgiveness, promises to get counseling, declares love,
enlists family support, and brings presents.
Victim's
Response: agrees to stay, returns or takes batterer back, attempts to
stop legal proceedings, sets up counseling appointments, feels happy,
hopeful.
The ?recapture? part
of this stage happens when the victim is talked into staying in the
relationship by the abusers promises to change or the apologies or what
have you; it also refers to victim blaming. The abuser will blame
the abuse/violence on the victim, using phrases such as, ?I?m so sorry you
made me hit you? or ?You know how I get when you act like that?. As
the victim hears the phrases over and over again, s/he begins to believe
them and believes the abuse or violence is his/her fault. This
belief may also trap them into the relationship.
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and Stalking page
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